


Unsent

by Darth_Darling



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Depression, Lots of Crying, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Recovery, Suicide Notes, Yuuri's Blue Tie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-07
Updated: 2018-10-07
Packaged: 2019-07-27 11:38:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16218242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darth_Darling/pseuds/Darth_Darling
Summary: "I would ask you not to be angry, but you have every right to be. I was a failure and a burden in life, and no doubt will be now that I’m gone."While packing up for their move to Russia, Viktor finds a letter hidden in the closet, and is horrified by what it says.





	Unsent

In the months after the Grand Prix Final, Japan Nationals, and Four Continents, Yuuri’s season ended, and he and Viktor began their plans for next season.

 

Yuuri who decided to not retire, and Viktor who shall be skating his more than likely last season before official retirement, decided that for the next year they would move to Viktor’s home in Russia, and adopt Yuuri into the rink there.

 

But until that day, they would pack.

 

“Yuuri!” Viktor beamed, opening up the closet. “I’m going to go through your clothes. I’ll pack what’s good and burn the rest!”

 

“I would say don’t, but you probably will,” Yuuri sighed. “Knowing you, you’ll just end up burning everything.”

 

“Perhaps,” Viktor smiled, “But then I can spoil you with a new wardrobe!”

 

“No! That’s too much!” Yuuri all but screeched. “Whatever, I’ll go get lunch, you deal with that!”

 

“Of course!” Viktor’s grinned widened as he began to pull things out by their hangers.

 

Most of the items in the closet were very old, that Viktor could tell, and fell into mostly three categories; clothes for home, clothes for sport, and clothes for looking “nice”. Viktor took the blue tie that was hanging around the hook for Yuuri’s suit.

 

“Ah yes, today is the day you meet your end!” He tossed it over his left shoulder. “Burn!”

 

He quickly went through the rest, tossing most of Yuuri’s older clothes that had holes or had been stretched out, or clearly were free t-shirts from his American College over into the burn pile. Most of his clothes for skating and working out were much nicer than the other pieces, and he decided to keep those. The suit he tossed to burn. Yuuri would be angry, but its for his own good, he’ll buy him something much better later, perhaps something from Gucci or Armani.

 

Now that all the clothes were removed, Viktor could observe what was left. There were some very old shoes, which he tossed to burn, but also some old manga magazines, CDs, and even a pair of old ballet slippers, ones that must have been worn by a child Yuuri. Viktor ran his thumb over the worn-out elastic, and gently set them aside to be packed. Lastly, he found a box, pushed all the way to the back corner.

 

“And what secrets do you hide?” Viktor grinned devilishly at the box, before pulling the top off. They were all pictures of him, some old, some newer, all damaged at the corners from where they must have been on the wall. “Aww, Yuuri! You did have pictures of me!” He pulled out the photos, unfolding them and giving them a look over. Some of them were very old, from his Junior days, others were cut outs from magazine photo shoots and interviews. All very respectable, but of course Yuuri also had photos from Viktor’s modeling excursions as a part of his sponsorships, many of which were much sexier than the photos of him skating. “You did find me attractive!” Then, at the very bottom, was a letter in an envelope and a bottle of pills.

 

Fan mail perhaps? Viktor made a mental note to go through his fan mail when he got home, maybe Yuuri sent him something, and he could find it. The envelope had something written across it in Japanese, and while Viktor had been studying, he couldn’t make it out quite yet. Thankfully, Google Translate was always useful. He pulled out his phone and took a photo.

 

_I’m Sorry_

 

Oh.

 

Oh no.

 

Viktor picked up the bottle of pills, and snapped a photo of the label, which revealed them to be drug store sleep pills.

 

“Yuuri…” Viktor whined softly, his mouth dropping down into a frown. He set aside the bottle of pills, and opened up the letter, pulling the single piece of paper inside. He held it open, snapped a photo, and shut his eyes.

 

He shouldn’t read this, or should he? This was his fiancé, and letters of this… nature, tend to be written to someone, right? He needed to know. This was Yuuri after all, if there was something wrong, he needed to know. He needed to help.

 

He sucked in a breath, opened his eyes, and looked at his phone.  

 

 

_I would ask you not to be angry, but you have every right to be. I was a failure and a burden in life, and no doubt will be now that I’m gone._

_When I left home, there was so much hope and pride that you all put in me, none of which I deserved. I stayed away for so long because I was afraid of coming home and bringing shame back with me. After my failure in both the Grand Prix and in Nationals, I’ve decided it would be best to end things, not just my skating career, but my life as well._

_I’m sorry._

_I’m sorry for being a failure, and a disappointment of a son. I’m sorry for all the money you wasted to support my fruitless endeavors. I’m sorry that I was gone for five years, and only came back to die. I’m sorry for everything._

_I hope you understand that this is for the best._

_I love you all, and goodbye._

_Katsuki Yuuri_

 

 

“Viktor!” Yuuri called out before pushing open the door. “I brought the- oh.” Viktor turned to look back at him, tears softly rolling down his face. Yuuri set their lunch down on the desk and sat next to him. “Viktor… Vitya, it’s okay.”

 

“Its not okay!” He snapped back. “How could you say that! Do you not even care about how this would hurt me? Your family?!”

 

“Please calm down!” Yuuri urged. “Its old, there’s nothing worry about. I’m okay.”

 

“Are you really?” Viktor challenged. Yuuri’s eyes darted away. “You’re not, are you? How long were you going to hide that you were suicidal? Would you ever tell me how you feel, or would I just get a letter?”

 

“I would never do that to you!” Yuuri roared, his own eyes watering up. “I told you, the letter is old, it doesn’t reflect how I feel now! Things are different, and I clearly didn’t go through with it!” Yuuri forced a laugh. Viktor looked away, picking the letter back up and folding it away.

 

“How old is it?” he asked softly. “It can’t be too old, its obvious it was from last year, when you said you came back for the first time in five years.” He scooted closer across the floor, nudging himself against Yuuri. His hand slid across the floor searching for Yuuri’s, resting his hand there once he found it. Yuuri softly exhaled and dropped his head on his shoulder. “Can you tell me what happened, please?”

 

“You have to understand that things were different then,” Yuuri started. “Do you remember the video?”

 

“Of course I do!” Viktor smiled.

 

“Well I wrote that before I skated the routine,” he explained. “I finished college, cut things with my coach, and I came and saw my family, and Minako. I wanted to see them one last time before I died. I spent a couple of days with them and that’s when I left to go skate for the last time. I didn’t expect that Yuuko and her family would be there, or that her daughters would film me. There was something about seeing them, that made me hesitate. I was planning to do it that night, but… I can’t explain why… but I couldn’t after that. Something about it kept me from doing it.

 

“The next morning was when I got the call from Takashi that the skate was posted online, and it went viral.” Yuuri snorted. “I was so mortified I almost went for the pills right then, but I realized that I couldn’t. It would be bad press for my family if I did something like that so soon after getting so much attention. I decided then to wait until it died down and no one cared anymore, and do it then.”

 

“And that’s when I showed up,” Viktor whispered softly, and then again, with more confidence, “That’s when I showed up, right!?”

 

“That’s when you showed up!” Yuuri agreed, laughing softly, this time genuinely. “At that point I couldn’t. I couldn’t just kill myself while you were a guest, that would have been mortifying! I thought that if I lost to Yurio in the Hot Springs on Ice competition, then it would have to be then, I mean I’d lost _again_ , why wouldn’t I?”  Viktor squeezed his hand. “But you didn’t leave. You stayed. And once I realized you weren’t going to leave, I couldn’t help but to think, ‘What if he never leaves? What if this was forever?’, and I finally felt like I had something to fight for, something to live for.” Yuuri leaned up and smiled sheepishly.

 

“The only time I doubted was during the Grand Prix, I was afraid that I couldn’t be enough, and that I would hold you back, so I tried to end the skating arrangement with you, so that you could be free again, away from me.” Yuuri pulled his hand away and drew his knees up to his chest. “For the first time in months I thought about it again. That if you never wanted to see me again, and if I failed at the Grand Prix like the year before. Then that would be it, that would be the final nail in my coffin. I-“ his voice warbled as the tears began to roll again. “I- I don’t even think I would ha-have gone home. If things didn’t turn out the way they did. I… I was looking up places to do it… Viktor… I’m so sorry. I found bridges to jump from, where I could just sink to the bottom and never come back.”

 

“Yuuri, no!” Viktor grabbed Yuuri and pulled him into his chest, weaving his fingers through his dark hair with one hand and grasping onto his sweater with the other. “I couldn’t live if you did that. I couldn’t skate, or breathe. I would have nothing.”

 

“I thought that you being free to return to the ice would mean that you had to hate me-“

 

“I could never hate you!”

 

“If that was the price to pay for you to be happy-“

 

“Yuuri!” Viktor cried out, pulling him closer. “You can’t do this, not now or ever.”

 

“I don’t want to,” Yuuri urged. “I really do feel better now, for now at least.” He pulled away from Viktor, wiping away his tears with the back of his hand. “I swear, I’m okay. I’ve thought about it at all since the Grand Prix Final, I promise.”

 

“I love you,” Viktor said softly, pressing a kiss to Yuuri’s forehead. “I love you so much, you know that now right?”

 

“I do,” Yuuri nodded. “I love you too.” He grinned. “I have you and Yurio, I have my family, and Minako, and the Nishigori’s, and Phichit, and Makkachin… I’ve come so far because of you, because of _them_! Everything is different now! We have competitions to compete in, a move to pack for, a wedding to plan, and a gold medal to win. And some days still are harder than others, when I see you… I know that somehow it will be okay.”

 

“Of course it will be,” Viktor kissed into him. “But would you consider seeing a therapist? I love you, but I can’t be your only coping mechanism, its not healthy, you understand, right?”

 

“Yeah, I know,” Yuuri nodded. “But we can arrange that later?” He fell back into Viktor’s chest, giving him a light hug. “For now, I just need this, okay?”

 

“Okay.” Viktor kissed the top of his head and breathed in the smell of his shampoo.

 

“Thank you for loving me,” Yuuri mumbled, his voice muffled by Viktor.

 

“Thank you for living,” Viktor replied.

 

Everything would be okay.

 

“Viktor, why is my suit in the burn pile?”

 

“Ah! Yuuri!” Viktor defended.

 

Well, mostly okay.  

**Author's Note:**

> RIP Viktor
> 
> I've been in a mood, so here's a crappy one-shot. After everything that Yuuri went through before returning to Japan, it isn't hard to imagine he had some not so pleasant ideas about what to do next. He had cut ties with his coach and couldn't give Mari a straight answer when she asked about what he wanted next. If Viktor didn't show up, what would have happened to him?


End file.
